Father's Day surprise

Did you hear the joke about how chocolate Labs got their name? Me neither, but if you look at what comes out of them when they have diarrhea, you might get an inkling.

When I came home from work Sunday morning, I opened the front door to an unmistakeable aroma. Milo had contracted what his little companion Mischa had the week before -- and it stinks. Something about a 100-pound dog with the runs that makes me uneasy.

After cleaning up and spending all day Sunday putting Milo out of the house, Jayne and I spent time scrubbing the carpet. I spent another night awake until 5 a.m. with Milo so he didn't mess the carpet again. As soon as he'd move, I'd race to the door to put him out.

Why didn't I leave him outside, you ask. Because it was raining cats and dogs and thundering. Milo hates thunder -- it makes him panic. So, I had a sick dog in a thunderstorm. Happy Father's Day.

We got him medicine Tuesday and he did fine overnight. Now, it's time for the carpet cleaning machine.

Side note: Watching TV through 5 a.m. is numbing, but I did catch the top 25 bikini moments of all time on VH1. I must agree with their No. 1 choice: Phoebe Cates in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." Doesn't anybody knock anymore?

Now for something completely different ...

I took the kids and two of their friends to Oval Beach Monday. I know, Oval Beach is where the good-looking people go, but I went because the bathrooms are close by. At Douglas Beach, you have about 60 steps to go up and there was no way I was dragging four girls with me each time someone had to go.

Oval Beach used to have lifeguards, but the city of Saugatuck decided this summer it couldn't afford them (Ha!). Instead, a member of "The Beach Patrol" wanders out of the ticket booth and scopes out the beach. The one who did that when I was there didn't even carry a life preserver.

I feel safe.

We had a good time despite me being the fattest, palest person on the sand.

One more thing

I've started writing my bicycle column again for The Sentinel. Check it out on the Web site at www.hollandsentinel.com, but I warn you that the Web site makes you sign up to look at anything. Sorry.

Thought: Pale people on the beach get sunburn no matter how much lotion they put on.