At the zoo

I'm sure you've all heard the Simon and Garfunkel song "At The Zoo." Love that song ... "The monkeys stand for honesty. Giraffes are insincere. The elephants are kindly but they're dumb. ..." Or something like that. A fantastic album. The first side is a masterpeice of theme album work. The second side is a random collection of good songs.

But that's not what I want to blog about (though "Punky's Dilemma" is a cute song. I always wish I was a Kellogg's corn flake floatin' in my bowl, making movies. ...)

I was thinking of the song because we all went to the John Ball Park Zoo in Grand Rapids Sunday. It had been about 8 years since I had been there and, yes, we took the picture of the kids on the statue of the zoo's namesake.

The main draw to this zoo is the display of chimps and monkeys. My oldest daughter is into monkeys (and I don't know why), so she was just beside herself with joy while gazing at Monkey Island.

My youngest daughter was happy to see the tiger and leopard, and she kept insisting we see every animal in the zoo. I think we did.

The zoo is pretty small, but it is nicely laid out. We got to walk up the million stairs above the waterfalls by the avian exhibit for some cool views. The petting zoo was a smash and the Great Lakes exhibit gave us pause.

Of course, the zoo has cafes all over and a gift shop the kids whined to go to. We said no for lack of cash and we brought water and snacks.

Thought: And hamsters turn on frequently ... what a gas!

Vacation

My week off from work is wrapping up. As always, I have mixed feelings.

The Good

-- I got to spend the week at home with my family. I enjoyed walking into town to get the mail with the kids, going to playgrounds and just spending time about with the kids.

-- My daughter lost a tooth Saturday, and I would not have been here to enjoy it if I was at work.

-- The kids had a friend sleep over in the middle of the week and had a great time.

-- I took my youngest to a birthday party and enjoyed seeing other kids and parents.

-- I got in more bicycle riding and some longer rides than if I had been at work.

-- We visited with friends -- twice! -- whom we hadn't seen in a while. We had a great dinner and afternoon at their house in Sparta. They came to the Holland Community Aquatic Center later in the week with their kids and stopped by at our house for dinner.

-- We got the car looked at in Grand Rapids just days before the warranty expired.

-- I fixed my back door. No more duct-taped windows!

-- I got to bed before 3 a.m.

-- I got a book (The Illiad) from the library and am halfway through it already. Oh, Hektor!

The Bad

-- I didn't get to paint the cellar storm dorms.

-- I didn't get to spend enough time with my wife and kids.

-- I couldn't afford to visit my family in Buffalo.

-- I didn't bike ride enough.

-- I watched too much TV.

-- I didn't take my wife out to dinner.

-- My wife got sick.

The Ugly

-- My boss, as usual, made major changes at work while I was out so I could not be part of them. He makes sure I feel as insignificant as possible.

-- I actually sat around worrying more about my job and what I will do when I get fired than I should have.

-- I was haunted by bad dreams about dying family members.

Thought: What does Clint Eastwood do on his vacations?

To Allegan and back

I thought of titling this "To Hell and Back." Nothing to do with Audey Murphy and the bike ride wasn't bad at all, but it would kind of sum up my feelings about the city Allegan. More on that later.

I rode down 57th Street to 118th Avenue, then due east to the city of Allegan. This is usually my return route, but I mixed it up a bit today. I'm livin' on the edge.

For about four-and-a-half miles, 118th lacks shoulders until 48th Street, but this isn't a huge concern. There's little traffic and the road is straight, for the most part, so drivers can see my glowing bike shirt and big butt swinging off the seat. After that, there's a generous shoulder on the recently paved road.

This route offers a glimpse at many small lakes, such as Round Lake, through the forest. Man, this looks like a toxic waste site. The weeds have overgrown the lake and the homes around the edge are, well, a handyman's dream. I caught glimpses of Lake Allegan as I moved along, but got a nice full view just as I was reaching the hill up to the city limits.

The city

So, I enter the city of Allegan by crossing M-40 and am prompty attacked by a dog. This pooch won't give up chase. Though a small dog, it was determined to get my leg. I shouted at it to stop and sprayed it with water from my water bottle.

It still chased me until the water bottle slipped out of my hand and scared the crap out of the dog when it slammed to the ground.

I had to turn around and walk back to retrieve it.

This fits my view of Allegan. I just never had good experiences there.

When I worked there, I disliked my boss and hated being in the office. I found the residents full of a false self-importance, thinking that because they lived in the county seat, they were better than folks who didn't. The streets are a hodge-podge of odd one-way streets, the roads are in crumbling condition and the buildings harken back to a time when things were ugly and poorly made. If it wasn't for being the county seat, this town would be like Fennville but without the charm.

Even the riverfront, which tries to be nice, has a faded glory to it. The boardwalk is badly weathered and splintered and the buildings that face the river are run down and lack charm. It all has a Dickensian feel to it, like the law offices in August described in "Bleak House."

But, that said, I did enjoy the fruit smoothie at the ice cream shop along the river. The woman behind the counter was talkative and friendly, and I enjoyed the conversation very much. And the big drink was only $2.50. In Saugatuck, that would have cost $6 and been served with a healthy dose of snooty.

Back home

I headed back out River Road and passed Dumont Lake and the county offices there. Again, I see badly designed government at its best, but I've railed about that before.

When I hit M-89, I felt good heading home, but a strong west wind hit me in the face. I was disappointed -- the local weather predicted an east wind. I really slowed down and was happy to coast over the tracks and home.

Thought: About 30 miles and lots of time to think.

Coach Hayden?

I received the call I had been expecting since my kids became involved in Community Recreation programs: Would you please coach a soccer team this fall?

After I stopped laughing and the caller said she was earnest, I started the script I had been planning for years:

-- I don't know anything about soccer.
-- That's OK, Mr. Hayden. We'll teach you.

-- I don't work well with large groups of kids.
-- That's OK, we'll be there to support you.

-- I work nights.
-- That's OK, Mr. Hayden. We know you're a good parent and I'm sure you want to be involved with your children's growth.

-- I work weekends.
-- That's OK. I'm sure you can find time to spend quality time with your children, time you'll never really have again.

-- I'm the guy who wrenched his leg on the t-ball field, taught all the little kids a bunch of nasty words and got hauled away by an ambulance and I now have to wear a brace and if I get hurt again, I may have to have surgery that will keep me off my feet for months followed by months of therapy.
-- Silence.

-- Hello?
-- That's OK, Mr. Hayden. I'm sure we can find someone else. Would your wife be interested?

Thought: Always save the best for last.

Sleep

First: I changed a setting on this blog so you should be able to respond to entries even when you are not a member of this blog site. I had the wrong button clicked that cut off non-member comments. So, go for it!

Zzzzz

Now, I'll tell you that I normally have no trouble sleeping. In fact, I have trouble staying awake. Since I switched to nights at work, I've been falling asleep in the middle of the day, in my car, at the playground with the kids. You name it. My head hits the pillow in my bed and I'm asleep within 45 seconds. Yep. I timed it.

But last night, I could not sleep. This insomnia was not due to any internal stress, but external noise.

First, our neighbor's dog kept barking well past 11 p.m. This barking problem seems to come with the house.

When we moved in, the neighbors at that time had two dogs who barked all night and day. Then, they moved out and the new family had two dogs who fought and barked all night. The outdoor dog run next door is under our bedroom window. Now, the latest residents not only have one dog of their own who barks at the drop of a leaf, but they dog-sit their friends' dogs who like to yip and growl.

Second, one of the neighborhood's vagrant cats had a fight with something, probably a possum, sometime pretty late. The sound of a howling cat really puts me in the mood for dreamland.

Third, our old, blind cat started meowing. Since we got wooden floors, the howl echoes like the cat's in a cavern.

Fourth, as dawn slowly approached, a skunk somewhere nearby let out its stench for all the world to enjoy. Nothing says good morning like that.

Come daybreak, the construction work down the road commenced. The city is improving roads leading to the new school. Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep lulls me to sleep every time.

Lastly, about 7 a.m., my eldest daughter came in to tell me that the PBS show "Arthur" was on and that's I'd better get up if I wanted to watch it.

So, I begin another 12-hour shift at work wide awake and rested to take on my life.

Thought: Please don't wake me. Please don't shake me. Leave me where I am. I'm only sleeping.

Another ride

Not to put you to sleep or anything, but I got in another great ride today. It was short -- about 20 miles again -- but I did my favorite loop: Around Hutchins Lake to the lakeshore to Saugatuck.

Lots of people out this morning walking around the water.

I stopped at the Saugatuck-Douglas museum with the intent of spending some time with the indoor exhibits, but the doors didn't open until noon. I got there about 11 a.m.

I took in the outdoor exhibits explaining the geography and history of the Kalamazoo River area. I sat down by the river with all the intentions in the world of just watching the ducks and listening to the fish jump, but the tourists had other ideas.

A couple set up their barbecue nearby and decided to play their radio so all of West Michigan could hear it. Then they decided to share the lovely aroma of their cigarettes with nature. That was enough to drive me away.

On the way back, I rode by the park across from St. Peters Catholic Church in Douglas. It's a 12-stations-of-the-cross deal with a crucified Jesus suffering at every turn of the walkway. Ick. Why must people focus on the pain of Jesus and not the words? That's one of the things that turned me away from Christianity -- this morbid obsession with physical suffering that Mel Gibson seems to find so important. That and the entire "I'm the only way to heaven" bit that mocks millions of spiritually aware people.

What also bothers me about the park is a sign saying it's private property and all non-St. Peters people should stay off the damn sidewalk. Now that's true Christianity.

Thought: Maybe I should take a different route on my next ride.

Life's a beach

I took the girls to Douglas Beach Sunday night. There are fewer people on the sand after 6 p.m. and a few hours in the water always wears down the kids before bed. A parent's dream.

We enjoy spending time at the beach, but they've all been so crowded the past month because of the heat. Trying to find a place to park at the free beaches is a chore -- it's like everyone's Dutch around here or something.

Something for nothing

For free beaches, Douglas is the best for me. You do have to walk down (and, therefore, back up at the end of the day) 103 steps. Worse is that the bathroom -- a good thing to have at the beach -- is by the road, so if you're on the sand, it's back up 103 steps for the kids to use the facilities, then back down again.

Sunday night, the bathrooms at Douglas just stank. They were terrible. Someone needs to hose out those concrete stink holes. But, any concrete stink hole in a storm, I always say.

The sand here is clean enough and the shoreline has fewer rocks than other beaches. The kids love that.

Last night, someone brought his guitar and was strumming away as the sunset. It was so relaxing that I just laid back in the sand while the kids played in the water. I listened to the guitar and watched the boats drift by.

Another good free beach is Pier Cove off Lakeshore Drive. Fewer steps than Douglas and the sand and water are about the same. The problem here is there are fewer parking spots than Douglas and no bathrooms.

If I'm in the mood for a trek, I enjoy Laketown Beach. This is truly beautiful and the views from the dunes are striking. But therein is the issue. You've got to hike up countless steps to get to the beach. It can be taxing with small children and after a day in the waves. The bathroom is a port-a-potty and stinks in the heat.

Another good hike is the Port Sheldon pier. It's up by the Consumers power plant on Pigeon Lake. I just love going right by the coal-powered facility. The walk out to the pier is lengthy but scenic past docks and the river. There are plenty of benches to sit and rest on. The view at the pier is awesome. There are bathrooms at the start of the journey, but you don't want to be caught with a full bladder out on the pier. You'll never make it back.

By the way, there is a township beach right before you get to the road winding up to the power plant. I've never gone swimming here, but it looks nice. No stairs to the beach and permanent restrooms with a small playground. I've biked up here a few times and enjoyed the view and bathrooms.

Break out the greenbacks

For paid beaches, the best for me is Oval Beach in Saugatuck. You can park right up to the sand, you have a view of the Saugatuck pier and can walk to it, if you're adventurous. There are lifeguards on duty -- the only beach in the area with trained people -- and a nice set of restrooms and a concessions stand.

One drawback: The sand under the water is rocky. The kids hate this and I've stubbed my toes here a million times.

This beach is the closest thing around here that reminds me of summers spent along the Atlantic Coast where you could walk to the beach and just behind you was a boardwalk with food stands and shops. Oval Beach is just a wisp of this.

West Side Park is now a paid facility for Allegan County. Same price as Oval Beach -- $5 during the week -- but not worth the money if given a choice between the two. West Side has adequate restroom facilities and a playground and grills for cookouts. However, you have to walk down steps to get to the sand and there are no lifeguards.

Holland State Park is OK -- I've only been there a few times. You get a fantastic view of the Holland pier and lighthouse. You can watch recreational boats come in and out, but better yet, you can sometimes catch a lake freighter coming in. Cool!

It's busy all summer -- I think the most-visited park in the entire state -- and that's why I don't go there in the summer. Just too many people.

Saugatuck State Park is only for the brave. It's hiking through dunes and on trails to the beach. Don't bring the kids. Pack light.

Others

There are other beaches, from South Haven State Park to Grand Haven State Park and City Beach, as well as several street-end beaches up and down the coast.

There are dozens of access points at smaller lakes, such as Hutchins Lake, Dumont Lake and Ely Lake.

I always recommend exploring these, especially in the off-season. Maybe you'll find your own gem.

Thought: No matter what beach you use, you're going to get sand in your pants ... and that's not always a bad thing.

Good ride

Hooray! Bike ride today! My wife even recommended I go, so I had a clean conscience while I was pedaling.

Just a short ride -- about 20 miles down 57th Street to 118th to Lakeshore and back home. Of course, after three weeks of not riding, well, my body is telling me I've been a bad boy. A very bad boy.

I was enlivened by watching the south wind wave across the soy bean fields along 118th. It really was like a sea of green. Lots of monarch butterflies, grasshoppers and gold finches out. I was shadowed -- literally -- from a hawk above. But lots of fresh road kill (is there a connection to the hawk?). Too many dead skunks and possums on the road.

Bad joke: Do you know the difference between a possum and an opossum? A possum is what you see walking along the side of the road. The other you hit with your car and say, Oh! Possum!

Lots of bicyclists out on Lakeshore. Pier Cove was packed. It's a free Lake Michigan beach. West Side Park, a park that the county started charging for this year for the first time, was empty. And Allegan people wonder why the parks millage failed last week.

I was also thinking of the recent story The Sentinel did on bike paths. You know my feeling on bike paths -- they're the kiss of death. But in one of the stories, the Allegan County parks manager talked about Allegan being a "black hole" of bike paths, that is, there are no formal paths in the county.

And you know what? That's OK. There are few roads on the west side of the county that need paths. M-40 could use more pavement for cyclists, but that's a state road. 58th Street north to Holland is terrible -- no shoulders at all in some places -- but it's also terrible for cars, so, as Spock would say, "Sauce for the goose."

Mostly, though, Allegan doesn't yet have enough traffic to warrant many bike lanes or paths. I always advocate wider shoulders no matter where.

Thought: Don't be afraid to bike ride in Allegan County -- unless you're a possum.

Not on the road

I'd like to say that I'm so upset with Floyd Landis that I haven't been able to get back in the saddle and ride. I'd like to say I've lost my youthful idealism, but that happened a long time ago.

What I can say is that I haven't been bike riding in three weeks!

Between work, family and the oppressive heat, I haven't been riding. Not that I haven't planned to go. But, the best laid plans, you know.

So, when I don't ride in the summer, I tend to get more easily depressed. I also tend to get leg cramps in a bad way -- that happened this morning. A gentle reminder that my muscles are turning to jelly.

The earliest I'll be able to ride again is Monday. Maybe.

Thought: What I need is some extra testosterone.

Technology calling

My wife upgraded our cell phone service over the weekend. Same number, different hardware.

I'll admit at this point that I still hadn't figured out all the bells and whistles on the last phone. Or the one before that. Or even the land line we have. You see, I have pretty low expectations of phones. I just want a cell phone that receives calls, has a voice mail option for the calls I miss, and the ability for me to call people back.

That's it.

Now I have voice activated dialing, text messaging, Internet connections, camera, music, ring tones, display options and, if I look hard enough, I'm sure it has a bottle opener and a clock in the stock that tells time (thank you, Ralphie).

And I don't know how to use them. Well, I know how to use the clock in the stock that tells time -- but in seven diferent countries?

I'll eventually learn how to use the features. I'm no Ludite. I'm just a guy who wants simplicity, the strength of the uncarved block. You know. I like potatoes.

Thought: Mashed. Boiled. Baked. With butter. And cheese. Lots of cheese.

Is this irony

There's an episode of "Futurama" in which Fry wants to get better hands so he can play a musical instrument and woo a woman. Fry's robot friend, Bender, takes Fry to Robot Hell to get the new hands. As in any story about Hell, the Robot Devil in this one wants to deal so he puts the names of all the robots on earth on a giant spinning wheel. Whomever the clicker lands on, Fry will switch his hands with.

The clicker lands on the Robot Devil himself, who responds, "Oh, isn't this just ironic."

Bender retorts: "No, it's not. It's just coincidence. Now give him your hands."

So, in the spirit of this "Futurama" lesson in irony, I give you this:

Paul, a friend from Jayne's work, had been planning his annual barbecue for several months. He painfully worked out a time that accommodated us (it had to be a Sunday when I was off work) and Derek, his girlfriend, Irena, from Montreal who was in town for only a few weeks, and Derek's sister, Lauren, who was only back in town from London for a short time.

After much schedule crunching, we came up with last Sunday.

Paul does a great job at cooking and his wife makes fantastic food to go with the ribs. Since I don't eat meat, she made some special veggie dishes.

One last item: Paul thinks I dislike him. This stems in part from me not being at many events when he is there, or me having to leave early when he is present. This actually results from having to take care of the kids or go to work, but the appearance is that I leave when he arrives.

So, this Sunday event was to break this image.

Well, we arrived at 3 p.m. Derek, Irena and Lauren show up. Paul takes us for a tour of his mini-orchard in his yard and we get our first chance to talk to Irena since she's been in West Michigan and Laren since she's been back from studying in Britain (Lauren was just in Las Vegas for a roller derby convention. Yes, she is a roller derby player!). All have lots of interesting stories to tell.

Jayne's cell rings. It's her mom from home. My work called at home. I return the call. The main desk guy called in sick. I have to leave the party at just after 4 p.m. and go to work.

Now, is this irony? Coincidence? Or tragedy?

Thought: Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Rescued

Coffee Journal Day 3: Rescued! A heavenly angel brought forth unto me a coffee maker. And we shall call it Mr. Coffee. And we shall praise it every day. And we shall giveth thanks to the heavenly angel who allowest us to partaketh of the nectar of the holy bean.

Drink up!

Thought:
Brahman is the ritual,
Brahman is the offering,
Brahman is he who offers
To the fire that is Brahman.
If a man sees Brahman
In every action,
He will find Brahman

Hey, Joe. ...

Coffee Journal Day 2: Still no coffee maker in house ... Too hot to go to coffee shop and drink ... Can't get to store until tomorrow morning ... Not sure how much longer I can survive ... If I don't make it, tell Mel Gibson ... I ... I ... I ... forgive him ...

Thought: Great movie lines not heard in "The Road Warrior": If it's all the same to you, I'll drive that tanker ... as long as it's not going to Israel, if you know what I mean.

Has bean

A true tragedy has struck. My coffee pot stopped working this morning.

What a cruel twist of fate! Why couldn't it quit at night, during the after-dinner cup of coffee? To lose a morning pot of Joe is, well, just wrong.

I don't care if it's 100 degrees outside already. I need my coffee. Maybe I can just suck on the beans until I get a replacement pot.

Thought: Can't have a thought without my coffee.